By Devorah Tova Okin
This week’s double Torah portion, Matot-Ma’asei, opens with commandments about vows: “…he shall not violate his word; all that comes out of his mouth, he shall do” (Numbers 30:3). Jewish law contains multiple sections on the regulation of speech and the importance of vows and commitments, and the Prophets and Writings are replete with examples of how words can be used to build or destroy. Rashi (Rabbi Shlomo Yitzchaki) famously described speech as one of the core qualities that distinguishes humans from animals (Genesis 2:7). Regarding the importance of words as commitments, Rabbi S. R. Hirsch wrote, “[H]uman society is founded on the word and on the confidence in and respect of the word” (Horeb, 350). Rabbi Jonathan Sacks explained further that our very civilization is built on the assumption that people will keep their word; when this trust is violated, society begins to overly rely on external enforcers instead of internal motivation and freedom becomes limited (Covenant & Conversation, Matot 5775).
In the course of my work as a clinical psychologist, I see the power of speech daily: when words are so powerful as to be intimidating, resulting in struggles such as social anxiety and selective mutism; when words are harsh and rejecting, resulting in challenges such as trauma, depression, and anxiety; and when words are loving, kind, and uplifting, resulting in resilience, healing, and fortitude. These words can come from parents, peers, and one’s own mind. There is no shortage of messages available at every glance, on billboards, in movies, and across social media, telling us that we are deficient, inadequate, and powerless. With these short verses from our Torah portion, however, G-d reminds us that we hold tremendous power with our speech. By saying a few short words, we have the truly astonishing power to change reality: a person can vow that something is non-kosher for themselves and, simply by saying it, make it so. There are even tragic examples of people who made vows without fully considering the implications of their words, contributing to their downfall (c.f. Judges 11:30; I Samuel 14:24), and so we also have procedures for dissolving hasty or misguided vows, as we do before Yom Kippur in the Kol Nidrei (“All My Vows”) service.
It takes very little time to make the world a little better and a little kinder by sending someone a quick text to say you’re thinking of them, genuinely wish your neighbor a good morning, or spend thirty extra seconds making conversation with the checkout clerk at the store. It can take little – or much – time to thank G-d for what we have, ask for help with what we need, and remind ourselves that the world is much bigger than our limited purview.
This week’s Torah portion reminds us to be careful with what we say, to make sure that we mean what we say, to not make impulsive commitments or impulsively hurtful statements. Let’s choose our words with care and build a kinder, more trusting, and resilient community.
Devorah Tova Okin is the rebbetzin at Young Israel of Greater Buffalo and a clinical psychologist at an outpatient community clinic.
