By Zahava Fried
Hanukkah is just around the corner, and it is one of those holidays where I tend to get a bit carried away. On Rosh Chodesh Kislev (the first day of the Jewish month of Kislev), we excitedly deck our halls with blue, white, and silver decorations. Once Judah and Maccabee (our Hanukkah gnomes) have found their spot, I begin what I call “present planning.” Each of the eight nights has its own theme: book night, boardgame night, chocolate night, and so on. This year, as I scoured Amazon for perfect presents, I found myself wondering: what is it about these material objects that feels so important?
The question led me to this week’s parsha (Torah portion) Vayeishev. My favorite Torah story, Judah and Tamar, occurs during this parsha. This story has fascinated me for years, so much so that I have written one sermon, four graduate school essays, and now one My Jewish Thought on this story alone. Here is a brief recap:
Tamar finds herself in an impossible situation: she has become a widow for the second time. Her father-in-law, Yehuda, believes that Tamar must be cursed, as his two oldest sons have died while being married to her. In order to save his youngest son from a similar fate, Yehuda sends Tamar to live as a widow in her father’s house, unable to marry again. So she devises a plan, positioning herself where Yehuda will encounter her disguised as a prostitute. When he propositions her, she asks for a goat as payment. But as Yehuda does not have a goat on his person when this arrangement was made, she demands collateral: his signet ring, cord, and staff.
Yehuda hands them over without hesitation, which is not his smartest move. These three items are not trivial. Some commentators view these three items as allusions to the three traditional obligations a husband assumes toward his wife: food, clothing, and marital rights. The signet ring symbolizes marital rights. The staff represents sustenance. The cord symbolizes clothing. By giving these three objects to Tamar, Yehuda essentially marries her.
Clearly, Tamar’s requests of these three objects are purposeful. She is forcing Yehuda to uphold his obligation to her, and she uses them to create a genuine relationship between herself and her father-in-law. She is forcing Yehuda to see her as Tamar: not the woman behind the veil, but as herself. She forces him to acknowledge their connection, and in doing so, creates a bond.
As I plan each themed night of Hanukkah, selecting books, games, and clothes for my children, I realize what I’m really doing. The reason I’m putting so much thought into these presents isn’t about the objects themselves. It’s because my children mean everything to me. Each carefully chosen gift is my way of saying: I see you. I know what makes you smile. Similar to Tamar’s transformation of Yehuda’s possessions, these Hanukkah gifts are my attempt to weave meaning into material objects and in turn strengthen the bonds that matter most. This Hanukkah season, may we, like Tamar, have the wisdom to transform ordinary objects into vessels of meaning. May our gifts become symbols of the relationships we hold sacred, and may those we love feel truly seen.
Zahava Fried is the Cantorial Soloist at Temple Beth Tzedek and Cantorial student at the Academy for Jewish Religion. When she is not drinking coffee or on her Pelaton, Zahava can be found crocheting and spending time with her three children and her husband.
