By Rabbi Sara Rich

One guaranteed way to introduce conflict to a group of people (who are otherwise enjoying themselves) is to ask them to choose a movie to watch together. This was true in the days when you had to roam the aisles of Blockbuster to select a video to rent. It is possibly even more challenging today when the online catalogs of Netflix, Disney +, and Hulu provide pages and pages of options to scroll through. With so many categories and titles, including classics and newer releases, it is challenging to find an option that no one has recently seen, is in a genre that everyone enjoys, and that has a high enough score on the Rotten Tomatoes rating website! After debating the choices and not easily coming to a consensus, an individual finds herself in the position of deciding, “Do I push for what I want, or do I go along with the group to keep the peace?” 

When this conflict arises in my house, a third option is often exclaimed. “I’m just going to go watch something on my own! Where’s the iPad?” In the past, when there was one TV/VCR hook-up, the group was forced to choose something to watch together. If you wanted to defect, you could sit in your room and read a book. However, in most homes today, there is a way for someone to opt out and watch something else on another screen. When this occurs, I find myself torn by a new question. “Do I insist that we watch something together, to enjoy that bonding experience? Or do I let them go off on their own, happy with their own selections to fill their leisure time?”

In the Torah portion this week, the Israelites are approaching the end of their 40 years of traversing the desert and are looking ahead to settling the land of Canaan. The 12 Tribes have been moving together through the triumphs and challenges of this period of wandering, and the plan is for them to build a civilization together in the Promised Land. Hence Moses is shocked by the request he receives from representatives of the tribes of Gad and Reuben. They have amassed large flocks of cattle, and as they travel, they see that the land east of the Jordan river is well-suited for raising their livestock. The leaders of the tribe request, “It would be a favor to us if this land were given to your servants as a holding; do not move us across the Jordan” (Numbers 30:5). 

Wait, what?! After decades of pursuing this communal dream, all of a sudden, they don’t want to take the final steps? 

Moses is shocked that they would prioritize raising cattle over solidarity with the other 10 tribes in the battles that they will face to conquer the land. He exclaims, “Are your brothers to go to war while you stay here? Why will you turn the minds of the Israelites from crossing into the land that GOD has given them?” (Numbers 30:6-7). Clearly, Moses also fears that if they opt not to cross the Jordan, there will be a ripple effect that demoralizes the remaining tribes. 

Ultimately, they reach a compromise. The leaders of Gad and Reuben say that they will establish settlements east of the Jordan. They will then cross the Jordan with the rest of the Israelites to help them fight for the land. Meanwhile, their dependents will remain home, tending to the flocks. Only once the Israelites have possessed their portion of the land will they cross back over and return to their homes. Through this compromise, the tribes of Gad and Reuben gain the share of land in their preferred location, but also show their support for their kinsmen by physically standing beside them to secure the land.

This episode raises important questions for us about when we prioritize our individual needs and preferences, and when we go along with the group to preserve our unity. Should being part of a group mean giving up our own desires? If yes, to what extent is it reasonable to ask for personal sacrifice on behalf of the group, and when does it become too much to expect? Is a compromise, such as the one worked out between the tribal heads and Moses, always the ideal? Or can there be compelling reasons to keep a group together, despite the wishes of certain members of the group to exclude themselves?

These questions are as old as the Torah itself, and there are often trade-offs in how we handle conflict. May we find peace in our communities and homes as we balance group cohesion and individual needs. 

Sara Rich is the rabbi at Temple Beth Tzedek and a Senior Jewish Educator at the Buffalo Jewish Federation.